only you, you alone

can take my heart, make it your own

I lay it down, I let it go

into your hands, because you know

what will come, what has gone

you are strength, and I'm not strong

your plans are right and mine are wrong

I'll wait for your dawn, but my night is long

hurry your dawn, my night is long

So I'm sitting here at work, on Facebook (naturally) waiting for this reporter to finish working on his story so I can edit it. This person is taking forever! Anyway, Cody messages me and tells me I am on Facebook waaay too much... Now, Cody isn't on all that often, so for him to notice how often I AM online and tell me that is sort of a slap in the face in terms of realizing how I spend my time. And so I have decided to try to cut down on the amount of time I spend online, especially Facebooking. Wish me luck?

This week seems like it is taking forever! It's only Tuesday and I'm already salivating at the thought of Friday after classes. This weekend doesn't offer any hope of relaxation, of course, because of my group paper for history, but at least I don't have to get myself to class for two days. I just have to spend this week drowning in the history of the United Church of Christ, write the paper, and move on to english and journalism papers.

 Speaking of history, we got our tests back today and I got an 86%... not awesome, but it helped my grade out quite a bit. I'm still worried that the web quizzes are going to drag me down, and I'm unclear as to how the GPA requirements for my scholarship work... are they decided yearly or by semester? Hopefully it's yearly because I don't know if I can pull it off this semester, thankyou History of Christianity... So much for my goal of getting on the dean's list this semester, I'll be lucky if I can hold onto a 3.5, much less score a 3.7.

I am abnormally excited for Thanksgiving!! I think this is because of a couple of reasons... 1) I'm desperate for a break from school, since I have been going non-stop. The retreats I've been on have been incredible, but I think next year I'm going to pick one or the other if they are on consecutive weekends again. I just cannot handle missing out on my break like that, I'm beat! 2)Post Thanksgiving = the Christmas Season aka the BEST time of the year!! I have been listening to Michael Buble and Josh Groban a LOT lately, and I'm dying to play their Christmas albums! Also, I've been contemplating what to do for my roommates and Libby and Alyssa and Nicki and Luke and the family and so on for gifts (since I'm flat BROKE), but even that train of thought feels wrong before turkey day. So the official beginning of the Christmas Season will make way for planning and singing and decorating!

People have been talking more and more lately about exec positions next semester and elections in December... I'm so confused and nervous and discouraged in that regard, I have no idea what I am going to do. I don't even know what I really want to do. It's all a time commitment, but recruitment is a HUGE time commitment. I want to be the face of the chapter, especially if the chapter wants me in that position, but I don't know if I can handle that. I'm not a great people person, that's for sure. Plus, when things go wrong, the chair naturally gets blamed, and I enjoy being liked, not talked about when I'm not around. So far I think I've managed to stay out of the rumor mill, but running headlong into the recruitment position is going to stick my right in the middle of it. Running for external VP, on the other hand seems a) like a cop-out and b) not as attractive on a resume. I keep asking God where I'm supposed to be, but I feel like all I'm getting back is static...

Yay initiation tonight! Congratulations to all the new initiates, and yay for the two new Phi's as well! It's crazy to think back to a year ago from today and remember what life was like... I was so timid and afraid of being here at the house, and now look at me. I love Phi Mu and all these girls and I can't imagine my life without them. Of course, I really miss my friends from the dorms since I never get to see them anymore--> I'm so busy all the time! Hopefully things will slow down a bit next semester, but somehow I sincerely doubt that. Either way, I can't believe how much and how quickly things have changed.

Shay and I watched the Bucket List the other day. I've seen it before, of course, and every time it makes me  think of writing my own bucket list. Future project, just letting you in on that awesomeness ahead of time.

I taught the girls the animal game tonight, that was pure joy. That game is incredible, I can't believe I've never played it before the retreat! I love watching how into it people get. Rachel and Harri tonight were going at it solid, it was amazing. The two of them were almost as intense as Logan was this weekend... priceless!

The candle passing tonight was pretty good... I felt like I actually said something worthwhile. There's no way I adequately expressed everything I meant to, but to even have scratched the surface is quality. I couldn't believe it when Amy started talking about me and said that she had thought that I was cool and wanted to get to know me last year. I always feel a little on the outside around here, but I wonder now if that's mostly my fault. Either way, what Amy said really touched me. These girls are so awesome, I wish that they could see how sweet they are, and also that others would really get to know them and understand what amazing women they are.

Talking to Tony right now... I've been thinking about him a lot lately, and we started talking tonight about the fact that he's still bitter about the way things ended. It's just not fair, how things are between us. I love the kid so much, but we can't ever establish a solid friendship because of everything that happened in the past. I feel like I'm constantly walking a tightrope and one false step is going to send us both tumbling. Being around upsets him and consequently his family, who I also adore. But not being around just plain sucks. That's selfish, though, isnt' it? But if I try to just walk away from it, he tells me that's not what he wants. So either way we're just torturing ourselves. So what do I do???

Oh life. I plan on sleeping til noon tomorrow and then doing homework for the rest of forever. Yay my life.